How many times have we heard it? How many times have we even believed it?

“They’re so stubborn.”

“It’s just part of Down syndrome.”

Let’s pause.

When we accept stubbornness as the go-to explanation, (as if there was an actual gene for it), we contribute to the misread of what’s really happening inside the nervous system.

Stubbornness, refusing to “comply,” “defiance,” and all the other things we are told are behavioral issues common to our children, are actually freeze responses—a neurological shutdown when the demand is too high, too fast, or not clearly understood.

Just like “hitting,” and “pushing,” is a fight response, and eloping, running around the room, refusal to sit at a desk, and running off, is a flight response, observable shut-down is a freeze response.

When these observable outward signs of dysregulation are met with behavioral approaches like sticker charts, positive reinforcement, or negative things like loss of privileges, or punishment, it creates agitation and anger.

Think about being in a lecture where everyone only spoke a language you didn’t know. You have no way of knowing how long it’s going to go on, if someone asks you a question you have no idea how to answer – maybe didn’t even realize they were talking to you in the first place, you might need to use the bathroom, and an aid who you can’t understand keeps bringing you back to your set and putting a sticker on a paper, and finally when you try to leave the room they take your phone.

The “Stubborness” is complicated now because it’s the result of learned power dynamics. Our child is trying to regain control in a world where control is rarely theirs.

What looks like defiance may actually be:

• A stress response from a system still learning regulation
• A mismatch between the demand and their ability to process what the demand is
• A pattern of adult-child interaction that’s become about who wins, rather than what’s needed
• Anger because they desire control
• They are not given the time to process
• A physiological need like over-responsive interoception that creates anxiety
• A misunderstanding of a task by the adult. For example “just get dressed,” is not a behavioral demand. If the child does not have Right/Left integration (oftentimes poorly integrated through primitive reflexes, poorly developed spinal reflexes, and dys-integration of the vestibular and cerebellar control centers)

Instead of Power Struggles, Offer Empowered Choice:

Choice creates ownership. Ownership lowers resistance.

This has nothing to do with parenting styles or being “permissive.” It’s a neurodevelopmental input.

As with all things neurodevelopmental, it begins with our mindset.

Do we believe the stereotype that “Kids with DS are stubborn?” If so, why?

Let’s begin by meeting our children where their neurodevelopmental needs are.

I mean, after all, no matter how sweet we make the pot or how negative the consequence, we can’t out-reward or out-reinforce a nervous system. If time or safety is not an issue, give control. Allow as much time as necessary for our children to respond.

Before You Begin: Regulate First, Then Invite Engagement

Before we offer choice, structure, or invitations to help, we must calm the nervous system. (Both parent and child). If your child is in a sympathetic state (fight, flight, or freeze), their body is wired for survival, not connection or cooperation. And, if you are wired for battle, you can not create an opportunity for success.

We start with regulation activities like a deep breath, a rocking chair, a hug, a moment of co-presence. Check here and here and here for lots of ideas for co-regulation.

We slow down the body and the stress response so the thinking brain can come online.

Only then do we build the structure with them.

10 Ways to Build Empowerment Into Daily Routines

(Even When It’s Busy and Imperfect)

1. Create a Daily Agenda Together Start the day by saying, “Here are the things we need to do today—what are the things you’d like to do?” Use whatever communication works best: pictures, written words, or pointing to icons. Ask: “When should we go to the park?” and let them place it on the calendar. Choice = investment.

---

2. Design a Morning Plan the Night Before On a small whiteboard or chart in their room, co-create a simple morning routine: “Pick your clothes. Then draw or write your steps: Get dressed, brush my teeth, eat breakfast, pack my backpack.” Let them check it off in the morning. They own the rhythm, not just follow orders.

---

3. Empower the Menu (and the Process) Sit down with your child and co-create a shopping list. “Pick three veggies you want to try. You choose the snack. What do we need for breakfast?” Use pictures, categories, or colors if needed. Depending on age, give them the list and let them find those foods at the store, remember the codes to weigh the produce, allow them to be in complete charge of the self-checkout process, answering questions when prompted, paying, etc.

---

4. Let Them Lead in the Kitchen Can they wash the berries? Pour the smoothie ingredients? Chop the veggies? Stir the soup? These are not chores, they’re opportunities to experience control and mastery. It’s also a bonding process. I love hanging out in the kitchen making recipes with Lucas. We are equals in that kitchen and we both can make mistakes and help each other through.

---

5. Garden If you grow food (even herbs in a pot!), let your child decide what to plant. They can water it, check it, harvest it, and help cook it. This builds ownership from soil to supper.

---

6. Give Power to the Plan Before any new or busy event (therapy, errands, playdate), sketch a simple “Plan Board.” “First ___, then ___, then ___, then DONE!” Let your child help place the items in order or check them off. Structure creates safety. Predictability fuels participation.

---

7. Clothing Depending on your child’s age anywhere from laying out two outfits and letting your child choose to allowing them to create their own look. Giving control over small decisions helps reduce resistance over bigger ones. It says, “Your preferences matter here.” And, unless they are in danger of frostbite or heatstroke, honor their choices.

---

8. The Empowered Toothbrush Routine Instead of “Go brush your teeth!” try: “Do you want to do it before or after you read?” Let them pick their toothpaste, set a timer, and maybe even brush your teeth with them. It’s about independence and engagement, not “compliance.”

---

9. Be Vulnerable I imagine that it would be demoralizing for someone who never let me see them make a mistake continually point out mine. We have a beautiful opportunity to connect with our children, regardless of their age. Make a mistake during a recipe? Ask for their help fixing it. Learn something new together and allow them to be the expert, ask them to show you. When you make a mistake, laugh at it and invite your child to see it. Whether we are talking about our children with DS or not, my goal has always been for my kids to think “I have to go to mom for help,” vs. “Don’t tell my mom!” We can’t expect responsibility for big things if we refuse to allow it to develop in the little things.

---

10. Gratitude Thank you for your help at the store today, or I had a great time on our walk, thank you for sharing it with me, or I’m so hungry, thank you for this recipe! Thiis builds executive function, confidence, and coregulation—all without pressure.