If there’s one truth I wish every parent could fully feel—it’s this:

Physiological safety is the foundation of all learning.

Not flashcards.

Not therapy hours.

Not how many words our child can say.

Safety.

It’s the thing that allows the brain to open. And without it, everything else, no matter how neurodevelopmental and integrating, wont be effective.

And there is only one way into the brain.

It’s the sensory system, the gateway.

Why Sensory Dysregulation Blocks Learning

Many of our children have sensory systems that are not fully integrated or regulated. This means that they may not know where their body is in space, may feel anxious, may experience overwhelm from the sensations coming from inside their body (heartbeat, digestion, hunger, pain) and from the outside environment. In short, they don’t feel safe in their own bodies.

This constant stream of disorganized input creates stress and activates the sympathetic nervous system which is responsible for the fight, flight, or freeze responses.

And when that system is on?

The learning brain shuts down.

The Parent-Child Nervous System Loop

Here’s the part that is extra problematic, and one of the things I wish I had known all those years ago wihen the boys were small:

We see our children in distress and we feel helpless. Then, we worry (even when everything seems great we live in our heads filled with doubt, guilt, and worst case scenarios).

We want to find ways to help, our own stress response kicks in, and then Our own sympathetic nervous system turns on.

We can’t help regulate our children because regulate them because we are no longer regulated ourselves.

Now both of us are stuck in a loop of dysregulation, (and likely the other kids, our partners, and the family dog!) with no clear exit sign.

But there is a way out….co-regulation.

What Is Emotional Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation is the beautiful, invisible tether between us and our children.

It’s the way our breath can guide theirs.

Our groundedness can anchor theirs.

Our calm presence can invite them out of fear and back into connection.

My favorite part is that we are in it together. We realize that our needs are once again overlapping and helping our children calm and regulate is a gift we need ourselves. We are in it together.

5 Co-Regulation Practices for You + Your Child

Here are 5 simple, doable ways to emotionally co-regulate with your child. These benefit both of your nervous systems and create a bridge back to safety, rhythm, and connection.

1. Partnered Breathwork

Sit facing your child. Place one hand on your own chest and the other on theirs (or invite them to mirror you).

Breathe in through your nose for 3 counts, out through your mouth for 4.

Say aloud: “We breathe in… we breathe out…”

Let the rhythm guide you both into presence.

Even 3–5 breaths can shift you both from “on edge” to “a little more here.”

A nice modification for younger children is to lie on your backs next to each other with a stuffed animal on your bellies and quietly watch it rise and fall as you breathe.

2. Mandalas or other Creative Endeavors and Shared Stillness

Print out simple mandalas and sit side by side at the table.

Use one pack of crayons or colored pencils together. (Crayons and colored pencils are excellent because they provide proprioceptive feed back when coloring vs. markers which tend to be smooth.)

No pressure to communicate, just color. You can trade colors or match strokes. Let the quiet connection speak for you.

If you wish to bring in a communication component, even with a child who isn’t verbal, you can quietly tell them about connecting colors to feelings.

A great alternative way is to have the child lie down on a large piece of roll paper and outline their bodies. Then as you color the chest red, you can color together and connect color to feeling.

This is active meditation. It’s sensory regulation. And it’s co-regulation.

3. Walking Meditation: Name What You Sense

Our children are usually on walking or running programs and this is a great benefit to us because we get to walk and run with them. But we can also use the walk to encourage calm and coregulation.

As you are walking you can ask your child if they are able to answer:

• “Tell me everything you see.”

• “Now tell me everything you hear.”

• “Now just your feet—what do they feel?”

• “What can you smell?”

If they are not able to answer you can provide the narrative. “I feel the sun on my face, the wind, my feet on the ground, etc.”

This grounds you and your child in your sensory system which is a powerful way to bring your brains back online and invite you both into rhythm.

4. Vagus Nerve Activation: Humming + Gentle Touch

The vagus nerve connects the brain to the entire body. It is a superhighway that can either calm or rev up. We can activate it to calm and turn on the parasympatheic nervous system to switch our children (and ourselves) out of flight / fight / freeze.

Just a few ideas:

• Soft, low humming together (“mmm” sounds or favorite songs)

• Splashing faces or placing hands or feet in warm water

• Gentle but firm massage with lotion (feet, arms, or shoulders)

5. Heart-to-Heart Regulation (This is great for babies and small children)

Sit together on the couch or floor and gently place your child’s back against your chest so their heart can feel yours.

Rest a hand on their belly or wrap your arms lightly around them.

Whisper a calming phrase like:

“I’m here.”

“We’re safe.”

“We breathe together.”

You’ll both feel the shift. I promise.

Final Thought

Our children don’t need us to be perfect and we certainly are not going to be calm all the time.

They just need us to keep returning, keep choosing presence, and to keep breathing.

Co-regulation isn’t extra. It’s essential.

It makes learning possible.

And the beautiful part? When we regulate with our children, we heal ourselves, too.

With heart,

Geralyn