One of the most powerful things we can do as parents is walk into an IEP meeting with a solid understanding of our children’s needs. It is not enough to know what we want for our children, but clarity in how we frame the conversation.

Too often, the language in IEPs positions our kids’ stress responses as “behaviors to be managed.” What if, instead, we helped our school teams understand that observational behaviors are often the nervous system in survival mode?

When we bring that reframe to the table, the conversation shifts. Instead of control, we talk about support. Instead of reinforcements, we talk about regulation. Instead of compliance, we talk about safety, integration, and long-term growth.

Here are five common areas that often appear in IEPs—and how to approach them from an integrative, holistic perspective.

Elopement / Leaving the Room

Running out of the room, leaving a seat, or even eloping from the building is often labeled as a “behavior problem.” What it really is: a flight response to overwhelm. When we treat this as a behavior the student should “learn to control,” the stress escalates. When we understand it as a nervous system signal, we can address it differently.

What might this look like?

Students who elope benefit from predictability and proactive regulation. That might mean pre-scheduled breaks with mindfulness, meditation, calming interoception input, or vagus nerve activities. It might mean a visual schedule or agenda to reduce unpredictability. And it absolutely means recognizing the early warning signs, like pacing or covering ears, before the overwhelm peaks.

Who supports this?

The occupational therapist (OT) can design regulation strategies and sensory tools. The aide or paraprofessional becomes the real-time support. They are not a gatekeeper of reinforcements (as this breeds oppostion and damages the relationship with the student), but as someone who notices the signals and intervenes before flight happens. The special educator builds flexibility into the day, and the counselor helps the student build age-appropriate coping strategies. For a list of regulation and co-regulation activities please look through dsactionplan.com/blog.

Aggression / Hitting / Pushing / Grabbing (Fight Response)

Lashing out, hitting, pushing, throwing, and other examples of aggression are often listed as “aggressive behavior,” and are dealt with behaviorally. In reality what we are observing is a sysptom that the student is experiencing a massive stress response to overwhelm. They feel unsafe and threatened. This is about survival. These are fight responses from the sympathetic nervous system to overwhelm.

What might this look like?

There are two considerations when a student is lashing out; calming down the reaction once it starts, and most importantly, creating routines and environments that regulate before the lashing out begins.

A child who lashes out may respond well heavy proprioceptive work like pushing, pulling, carrying, built right into the day. They may need a crash pad, wall pushes, or a safe outlet for big energy.

Most importantly, they need regulation and co-regulation led by an adult who can step in during escalation and teach strategies over time. Social stories and role play can provide replacement strategies in safe moments, so the child has tools when stress rises.

Who supports this?

The OT helps design a sensory regulation plan. This may include calming sensory work, meditation, visualization, breathwork, position recommendations to maximize physiological safety. For example, a student who has difficulty integrating the sense of movement paired with the sense of position may have a fear of movement and an outsized response to startle, especially if un integrated reflexes like Moro are present.

The aide or paraprofessional notices early signs and redirects to safe outlets through unique and integrated methods recommended by the OT. The special educator reinforces replacement strategies, and the school psychologist helps the team frame aggression not as “bad behavior” but as a nervous system call for help.

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Opposition / Refusal / Non-Compliance (Freeze Response)

Few things frustrate a school team more than a child who “refuses” or “shuts down.” These students are often labeled as oppositional, stubborn, or defiant. But let’s be clear: freeze is not defiance—it’s overwhelm.

What might this look like?

For a child in freeze, tasks may need to be broken into smaller steps with clear pacing and choice. The environment matters too—harsh lights, noisy rooms, cluttered walls, crowded spaces all add to the freeze response. A visual agenda, multisensory cues, and alternate positioning can make a huge difference. Sometimes primitive reflexes, like a non-integrated Moro reflex, are part of the picture.

Who supports this?

The OT can assess developmental needs and provide regulation strategies. The aide or paraprofessional models co-regulation and helps offer choices in the moment. The special educator adapts instruction so refusal doesn’t become a power struggle. And the counselor works on self-advocacy and safe ways to communicate “I can’t right now.”

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Selective Mutism / Not Responding (Freeze Response)

When a child doesn’t speak in class, or goes quiet in certain situations, or refuses to look at the person speaking, it’s easy to assume they’re being non-participatory. But often, this too is a freeze response. Silence is safety when the nervous system is overwhelmed.

What might this look like?

Students benefit from multiple pathways to communicate: AAC, gestures, writing, drawing. They may need a trusted partner, small group practice, or a warm-up with a familiar adult before being expected to respond in a big group. Consistency and trusted relationships create felt safety. And when we honor their comfort zones and build gradually, they find their voice.

Who supports this?

The OT provides regulation and sensory strategies for safety. The aide becomes the trusted partner who sees the child every day. The speech therapist brings in alternative communication modes. The classroom teacher understands this propensity and creates safety in the classroom discussions. And the counselor helps the child grow confidence and address anxiety that may underpin mutism.

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Attention / Focus / Off-Task

We often hear: “This student can’t focus. They’re always off-task.” But focus and attention are outcomes of nervous system integration. They are not skills that can be forced into existence with enough redirection. Proper integration of the sensory system and cerebellar control is necessary for mature postural reflexes and postural control. Often students are hunching over the desk and end up resting their head on their arms while writing. This is not simply an issue of core strength, this is a symptom of a nervous system that is not integrated.

What might this look like?

Attention improves with neurodevelopmentally sound, integrative inputs that support the cerebellum and sensory systems. It may mean alternate positioning to mitigate the effects of primitive reflexes or the absence of mature postural reflexes, reduced overload in the classroom both environment and routine, or structured vestibular and reflex integration activities. When the nervous system is organized, focus follows.

Who supports this?

The OT identifies underlying sensory and regulation needs. The aide provides the real-time prompts and embeds strategies during lessons. The special educator adapts instruction pace and flow. And the classroom teacher integrates movement and multisensory strategies into teaching.

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Closing

Every one of these examples has the same core message: What looks like behavior is usually a nervous system survival response. When we bring this perspective into IEP meetings, we shift the conversation from blame to support, from control to growth.

The beauty of this approach is that it doesn’t just apply to children with Down syndrome or developmental disabilities. It’s a lens for all children because regulation and integration are human needs, not deficits.

Mostly, it is important to continually reinforce the truth. The things we can observe are clues to the real issues. And, the brain and nervous systems are capable of great change and growth without regard to time. If a student can’t do something, they simply can’t do it yet. Instead of modifying and compensating, we should be utitlizing the brilliant members of the school team to create routines and environments which drive integration for improved processing and learning.

When we walk into the room with this language, we invite our school teams to see the whole student And that’s where real change begins.